The Results

I start this to give an update on my results of the biopsy of my prostate that occurred last week. The actual procedure was intense, yet not unlike a root canal, just I was opening wide in a different kind of way. The aftermath was another story as the days lingered on with pain and bleeding and as my body battled infection and trauma. My dear friends had invited Shauna and myself to St. George again for golf, food and fun. There I was doing what I could to be pleasant, happy and somewhat normal. Inside I was hoping I would soon wake and the dream would end, fears would calm and this great desire to run as far and fast away from everything and everyone would stop haunting my thoughts.
But here I stood looking at the beautiful green grass and the red rock back drop of the first hole knowing I was surrounded by people who cared and loved me, knowing my wife waited for my return. The sunshine and activity numbed some of the madness in my mind, dinner with my wife and friends, exhaustion and the toll of the procedure and the infection allowed me to sleep. The next day we were on another beautiful course and the symptoms were still more painful than I thought normal so I called the doctor on call which some how was my doctor. There in the middle of a round of golf I found out both good and bad news which on confirmed on Tuesday as Shauna an I met with her.

One of the core samples has cancer, much smaller than she was excepting a gleason score of 3 x3 (range1-10) with acute porosities which is treated with antibiotics for the next 4 week. I would love to ignore the small growth, but that's not possible so I am on "Active Watch" for 3 months, then new blood tests sometime in the next 6 months. Depending on the test results, another biopsy, and after that the cancer will need to be dealt with.

So it hasn't changed yet how I feel: I am still scared, but it's not of what you might think; not of death or even pain. It's of letting the people I love down. It's of failing to be gentle, kind, and loving to those that mean the most to me. A fear that courage is not found within me to face each day with a smile, that anger might better my control or I simply let despair encompass what light there is. These are as honest as emotions as I can express. The story of Scrooge was never about him losing his life, it was always about him losing his humanity. That's what the Ghost of Christmas Future would take and that is certainly what I fear.

I  watched as my mother suffered for many years as her body's functions and ability to sustain life slowly faded away. Mom however always seemed to find the courage to smile, laugh, and love through it all. Some of my most confidential and meaningful conversations occurred as mom lay in her bed, me as an adult, snuggled next to her listening to her struggle to pull air into her lungs. Was she ever too tired? Ever cross? Ever unwilling to give me her "last widow's mite?" Not once . Yet how quickly I forget and let selfish stupid things get in the way of giving comfort when needed, advice when requested, and encouragement that all of us require. So again mom will teach, though I would rather not learn this way, I will do what I can to remember how she lived and loved to the very end of her days.

My beautiful sister, Lynne, also suffered a similar fate and though I only was able to visit a few times, I was able to communicate in other forms. Her humor, intelligence, and grace allow a remarkable insight into her life; they way she love, what she believed, and how she dealt with trials. She was truly amazing and her smile provides comfort even to this day, as I remember how it lit up her face. She also gave comfort to the end of her days and even past as she sang at her own funeral, more a duet for me...but that's another, more sacred story.

A couple of week ago as my brother David was doing his best to distract my frazzled mind with a game of golf on a cool Saturday morning, the subject of Kim came up as we talked of her journey and some of the incredible decisions she was faced with making. As I explained how uncomfortable I was with the responsibility of dealing with the concern being offered in my behalf, he stopped me and told me, "That the one of the greatest gifts Kim gave to many people in their ward and family was to allow them the opportunity to participate in her death."  I have thought of that often since, these amazing women each independent, strong, and capable allowed those whom they loved to assist, care and enjoy what precious time was available. What remarkable examples...hence the fear of failing at such a small bump in the road.

Yet here I am, hoping that memories burn bright, that companionship of loved ones stays close and that somehow courage, faith and fortitude strengthen. As I was told today " knowing you're human is half the battle in keeping your humanity"

No Gertrudism today, doesn't feel right...

but I like these:

“Life itself is simple...it's just not easy.”
― Steve Maraboli,    
“To live greatly, we must develop the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility.”
― Thomas S. Monson